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[20 Feb 2008|07:44pm] |
i hate admitting that i miss him.
i miss him like i would miss an arm or leg.
i have a lot to consider over the next few months.
i cried a lot today.
i hope tomorrow is better.
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[27 Jan 2008|08:13pm] |
i think ive forgotten how to write.
type, eat, think, breathe.
its messy and tragic.
i just keep reading shit i wrote years ago and wishing i had that kind of clarity.
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[05 Jan 2008|07:20pm] |
"the worlds receeding hair line
gets worse in fireplace moments and
flannel shirts.
he needs warming up in the winter.
no good under a frozen street light.
the sun in an ice cube tray.
the blue curtains in the window next door
never swallow sunshine.
the empty glass on the corner table.
the straw with its face blushing.
the drum break for our conversation
about everything and nothing.
dinner to death
tired of dreaming.
fishing blindfolded for fireflies
that burnt out over thirty years ago.
the uncooked dinner party we missed
for an old sitcom rerun.
the laugh track my mind cant get
out of its mind."
-b.hammers
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[18 Nov 2007|10:34pm] |
i rearranged my living room. it looks and feels so much better.
but my room is still a mess and my bed still unmade. so ill still be sleeping on the couch. its easier than explaining to my self-indulgent side why im sleeping alone these days.
i think hate life.
but i think its getting better.
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[24 Oct 2007|03:40pm] |
i feel like more and more things are becoming real.
life is a reality now and not just a distant moment on the horizon im trying to catch up to.
i still want to run away. to any where.
but in the mean time. i feel like im holding on the something.
something real.
i cant write honestly about it. but its pouring out of me.
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[23 Aug 2007|07:56pm] |
staring out beyond the horizon
watching the sun fade,
the gulls mute,
it dawns on
dusks on me.
these sails i mend-
this mast, boom and deck
hold me captive.
panic sets in and i cant seem
to get a hold of my thoughts.
my sea legs,
as they say,
are falling for a landlover
and im trapped
trapped.
besides being surrounded by liquid
ive been drying myself out.
on purpose.
not since my trip home,
my last voyage to shore,
have i tasted a drop.
in that id like to believe
ive found clarity...
solace.
even more so,
id like to believe
that i have a purpose
beyond the sea.
but like i said,
as i said,
as i am saying
it dawns on me
it SETS on me.
plotting my course is becoming
increasingly difficult
and im afraid ive broken my
only compass.
despised and abandoned
(or did i abandon them?)
by my crew, ive found little
comfort in the gentle cradling
of the seas maternal arms.
passing on means too much to embrace
to much to falter
open sail and steer definitively
into the uncertain
or drop anchor and lower these
tired and worn sails?
this morning i found myself talking,
mentioning it, actually
to the dead crabs washed on deck
in last nights high winds:
is this my course, steady crustation?
is the sea my only hope?
do we have much fight left?
waiting on the wind,
calling back to the gulls.
give us all you got, old girl
ive fared you long enough to know
that your temper will soon calm.
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[17 Jul 2007|03:12pm] |
i have this feeling of overwhelming contentment.
which is keeping me from doing much.
i dont think ive ever experienced this before. i dont feel like i need to call everyone i know every second or make plans. im content in what im doing almost all the time.
im not sure what it all means.
am i letting the summer slip away
or
am i finally enjoying a summer?
i dont know.
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[11 Jun 2007|09:27am] |
two annoying rants.
1. text messages
2. old people
text messages are fun, sure. but have you noticed how much more confusion they cause than just an effing phone call? im down for a silly or dirty message from time to time, or a quick "how are you?" but when you try to discuss serious, emotional issues via text...everything gets fucked up. and you cant hear the persons voice to tell if its sincere or not. and it takes too long. and youre limited to a small amount of characters. i get stressed out by text messages when its an important conversation and it doesnt seem like either side is being understood or sincere. from now on, texts about important things will be answered with a phone call.
old people. god. first of all, let me say that i believe our elders can be a valuable resource when in a mutually respectful environment. however, the feeling of entitlement drives me fucking crazy. it bothers me with anyone really, but especially old people. being old doesnt mean you DESERVE anything. it just means youve been around for a long time. i show respect to everyone i meet until i am disrespected. on the way to work the other day i stopped at a four way intersection. as i was stopping an old woman in a big ass car was coming to the intersection on the road to my right. i lit a cigarette and waited for her to stop. when she did i proceeded through the intersection. when i was about halfway through the intersection she started to go through and then LAID ON HER HORN and started waving her arms around inside her car. i was totally confused so i waved and continued on my way. im certain that it was pretty obvious that i had the right of way. was i supposed to let her go because shes old? or was she mad that i lit a cigarette at an intersection and waited to make sure she would stop? i dont know. but it set the tone for my day. later, in the deli at work i was standing a few feet from the counter but was still in plain view. i was peeling eggs which means im wearing rubber gloves and my hands are in cold water. an old woman walks up and i make eye contact and smile. shes reads the soups and i finish peeling the egg in my hand. as im doing so, she rings the bell on the counter for service. even though im standing right there, even though i acknowledged her presence at the counter. whatever, i took the gloves off, wiped off my hands and went over. she pointed at one of the soup signs and asked what it looked like. i showed her. then i showed her another. she told me she wanted the first one..so i got a cup and opened the first one. she SLAPPED MY HAND and said "no, i want that one." and pointed to the second soup i showed her. at this point, it was obvious she was confused about which soup was which but still...she slapped my hand and treated me like some sort of servent.
i dont know why this all bothered me today but it did. i try to respect people around me. i try to respect their space and their moods and their general basic rights...ugh.
you know.
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[04 Jun 2007|09:38am] |
"and its no secret ive been dealing with,
but all I know is that I want to go
to the end of the line but it's obviously time
to stop this empty train and let somebody in."
-hwm
i feel like i dont have any words of my own. i have to borrow other peoples for now. i had a dream the other night that you drove up for a party i had or something. you brought a girl with you and i wanted to knock her out. she borrowed my shoes and broke them! and i told you to go home and not come back. you said you never cared and that you were there to prove it. two and a half seems forever now, but im glad we dont talk. i got tired of feeling my own faults.
"too many times ive passed these doors,
ive seen them open just to close.
now im searching for some new key.
locked up, locked out it comes down on me."
-sbb
i made an appointment at the clinic today to check up on this whole low blood pressure/passing out/numbness shit. im sorta sick of it all and dont really care any more. i just dont want to feel like shit and it seems like i always do.
"well i cant tell you anything
you dont already know
i keep on trying
i should just let it go."
-jt
i talked to my boss about the way things went down before she left. she apologized for over reacting and told me that she does appreciate me and my hard work. she told me she wanted to stay. i told her i wanted to stay. we hugged. i feel good about that job, and im glad i stood up for myself. its the first time ive ever really worked through a problem like that at work rather than just give up and quit. i feel good about it. work is still stressful but i dont mind. i enjoy it. it means a lot to me to have a career and a future within one company.
"reality is what you want to see
it shouldnt make a difference to me
i put my trust in what you had to say
it didnt make a difference anyway."
-ftf
my apartment is great. i love being here. its a lot of work still trying to get it all together. i have one day off a week and i spend it doing shit around the house. cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, errands. i dont have a whole lot of spare time but i dont mind it. i miss being around my friends and spending money at the bar but its become apparent that i cant keep those late hours and bad habits. i have to be at work with a level head and smile on my face. i have to focus the night before on what needs to get done the next day. i have to maintain a healthy lifestyle, not just for myself but for jo-anna as well. and its nice to focus on that. but like i said, i feel myself missing out. thats a bummer. i need to try to do other things with my friends. walks and dinner with lemmy and kate. mall trips with kayleen or jimmy. movies with chris and todd. stuff that isnt the bar and isnt unhealthy. its a change and ive got to make it happen.
"and it took all of my strength
to ignore the need to stay
and it took all of my strength
to leave you either way
and we are constellations in our own way
and there are these
three degrees of merit to us
there is love and work and lovers work."
-s:o
annnnnd yes. yes yes yes. i met someone. the circumstances surrounding meeting him were a series of coincidences too amazing to ignore. hes brilliant, hard working, driven, funny, caring, heartfelt, HONEST...did i mention muscles? they say you know the minute you meet someone but what, really, do you know? i feel like there a definite truth between us. something real and deserving and strong. strange because im not usually one to rush, i mean...sure. i get excited and really really like people (not so much lately but in general) but ive only ever made this huge statement about one other person. and now looking at it, i believe that other person felt so right because it was a path to this person. his name is matt. like my dad. like my sisters boyfriend. hah. i feel happy and content. moreso than i ever have with anyone, especially this quickly.
i need to work. more tonight i suppose.
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[16 Apr 2007|01:51pm] |
things are good. im doing well. i love my job. i work hard. i pay bills. i see people. i buy drinks. i laugh. i enjoy.
but i dont go home.
i havent been to the room where all my stuff is in 3 weeks. except for a 20 minute mad dash to fill a trash bag with all my clothes last week.
i havent done my taxes. im not sure whats going to happen with that. i hope they arrest me. i hope they take away all my freedoms for the $19 i owe the federal government. the irony of that would make me so happy, it might be worth it.
i cant wait to have a living room. a bed. a kitchen, bathroom, shower, driveway...of my own.
i gave my friends a ride home this morning. poor kid had to sit on my laundry. "your car is fun." yup. till you have to live in it.
i have no anchor.
i feel frustrated and lost.
i feel like the majority of my adult life has been spent packing and unpacking my life. boxes and bags. temporary "for now" situations. i tired. im confused. i feel alone and broken down by it but its the best ive got.
and all i want to do is work. work until my hands fall off. or work until i have enough money to stay "home".
im not bitching because im doing ok. really. for the most part, im happy. i enjoy day to day.
just waiting on the pay off.
waiting for it all to work out.
what i still dont understand, whats still a complete mystery to me...why dont you get it?! why dont you see how hard im working and how much i value what i do and what i have to show for my hard work?! why is it still SO important to you that i be there when you want me there...and may i point out ONLY when you want me there? because ya, thats what it feels like.
home.
home home home.
im going to get there. just you wait.
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[25 Mar 2007|10:06pm] |
i allowed myself to really explore my anger for the first time in a while.
i still believe that a pack of pfunk lights, a fast car on familiar roads and bohemian rhapsody lung exercises are a cure all combo.
i still think edmund has NO business on his throne in narnia. traitor.
i still think if jim belushi had ever met me, he would have fallen in love with me instantly.
i still think my vehicular air drumming skills are hall of fame worthy.
i still believe in the sanctity of golden rules such as treat others as they would like to be treated, love thy neighbor and the end all be all of golden rules BROS BEFORE HOES. (maybe thats why i havent had a successful relationship in two years and only a handfull of friends.)
i still believe a promise is a promise.
i still have your back, even while youre still twisting the knife in mine.
i still believe in friendship.
i still take pride in my ability to forgive and forget.
i still think modest mouse is overrated, the new decemberists album is disappointing and that everything sammy haggar touched turned to gold.
i still think girlfriends are lame. the term is such a vague description of such a complex interaction and for some reason a fucking awesome chick because a total flaming cuntbag when you hand her the GF card.
i still think its funny when people get kicked in the groin on tv.
i still adore my total lack of emotional involvement in anything realistic or even slightly based on reality.
i still think reality is a joke. i still think theres a man behind the man behind the man behind the man behind the man behind the curtain.
i still remember the exact words you said when you met me and how they rolled off your tongue and on to your lips without the slightest stutter.
i still believe we are conditioned to believe in ideals that will not ever manifest; creating a false sense of entitlement and an abbreviated existence thats based on our insecurities, based on something we think we are supposed to be, supposed to have, supposed to want, supposed to need.
I AM STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF THAT WE BUY INTO IT. IM STILL FUCKING PISSED I LOST MY GOD DAMN RECEIPT AND I CANT RETURN IT.
im still far too hurt by you to allow you involve yourself in my life that way.
im still awesome at apologies.
i still think there are some roads this town will never pave.
i still believe in connection and invention through human touch.
i still want to build a time machine, without a flux capaciter.
i still hate myself but only to spite everyone else i know.
i still love the spring.
i still need my friends. i still need honesty.
i still believe we can use this space for something much more valid than fucking band posts and picture wars. i still believe in the value of pen pals and keeping in touch.
i still want to post this and delete it in the same action.
i still believe in washing your hands of bad blood. im still angry you let this happen.
im still better at this kind of self expression.
...fuck it. someone had to say it.
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[24 Mar 2007|08:05am] |
my friend turned 28 yesterday.
theres a woman that comes in and orders lunch at the deli, every day. shes on her phone, every day. she waves her credit card at me, every day. she gets irritated when i have to ask her "debit or credit", every day. i want to throw hot soup on her, every day.
i read a bit about whole foods today because i felt something unsettling about it when i was there. theyre masters of false advertising. they have the word "organic" every where but not very much is. their breads are made with enriched flour, their fish is more expenisive because its "wild caught" (which all local fish are), their "local" produce vendor is out of boston, and their "organic" produce is kept in nonorganic conditions. basically, its more expensive than hannaford because their packaging is pretty and they appeal to a rapidly growing trend. while im glad its becoming more common knowledge, im not sure most people understand what they are actually getting when they go there. the broad headline may read "organic" but if the individual product doesnt, then it isnt. ugh. whole foods is to hannafod what target is to walmart.
watched fists of fury last night. i still dont really like bruce lee. fell asleep before my aunt and uncle. yup.
seeing jonny was great. im glad hes doing so well.
not having any money is really weighing on me. its pretty much all i think about. i hope i have enough gas to get to and from work on sunday.
i wish i didnt feel so guilty all the time. as soon as i can is never soon enough. but it will be, when im there. ive never had to work so hard to believe someone in my life.
i dont want to do much today. maybe ill call my sister.
thats it. thats all i have to say.
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[18 Mar 2007|07:26pm] |
adam took me to the new england aquarium today. it was perfect. really fantastic. i could spend hours upon hours watching the giant ocean tank and hte penguins. the jelly fish were beautiful and i got some neat pictures. the sharks gave me goose bumps. im still not sure how i feel about them. im not scared of them really, but they make me feel uncomfortable. which is fascinating. theres a looming ominous feeling about them that is so intense. i was face to face with one of them at one point, made my whole body shiver. i was also really intrigued by the habitats. i took a lot of pictures of the colors of the habitats, youll see when i post the pictures. adam was a total gentlemen, took me out to dinner and everything. i really enjoyed boston that way. it had been a long time, since i was a kid, since i had seen boston in any context other than a bar or a show.
on the ride home i played some music from the mixed cd he made me that i still really enjoy. the last time i drove down, one of the songs he played came on the radio. it meant something to me that it played at that particular time. especially because its a rare band that not many stations would play. but for some reason, it found me. and that meant something, even if it meant "nothing".
i am confused by the whole situation. im still having a hard time understanding how i feel about it and what i was really hoping to find in him.
im really happy with my life right now. things are hard financially. my cell phone will probably be shut off for a while because i cant afford it. ill let you all know if and when that happens so we can communicate other ways. its embarrassing and really annoying but money is fleeting. i refuse to allow money to weigh me down any more. there are so many other important things.
my job is great. im learning things. im stimulated on a daily basis by my work environment. the people i work with are unbelievably friendly and informative. theyre all smart and engaging. i enjoy work. its hard, sure, its work. but i feel like i am getting more out of it and that feels great. ive talked a lot about feeling like i was missing some sort of stimulation and i think ive found it. i think this was what i was looking for. im more fulfilled and at ease then i have been in a long time. i look forward to tomorrow and to next week. the money will work itself. all i have to do is get up and go to work and do my best. and i am.
music is really keeping me going. im doing a lot of exploring. getting into a lot of oldish punk and some slow bluesy stuff. nice to change things up a bit. its so easy to get lost in it lately and thats really helped me out.
im feeling lonely right now. feeling a lack of physical presence which doesnt happen often but when it does it hits hard. this is usually when i text him to say i miss him because it feels like i miss him. i miss his body next to mine and his fingers tangled up in mine...but is that him that im missing? i can do those things with someone else but would i still miss him? i dont really know. he said that he thought "a bunch" about the last entry i wrote. its possible hes irritated that i write about it so publically and that i cant just say these things to him. sometimes im irritated by it too. im glad that something i write makes someone think. i hope its not just that way for him. i hope some of you get something out of it too. even if its just a moment of connection.
it hurts in my tummy right now. i want to be with him...or with someone. to fall asleep and feel warm skin against mine. thats a hard feeling to understand. its hard for me to decide if its a particular skin i want or if im missing skin in general. i feel inhuman most of the time and when i feel things like this im reminded that i am like everyone else. i can run hot and cold, i feel myself flip the switches back and forth but in the end, im just like everyone else.
its not a need. ill survive tonight and be a fully funtioning person tomorrow with out it. it feels intense.
so ill tell him "i miss you." because its the closest thing i can think of to describe what i am actually feeling.
its been a long time since ive been unable to explain how i feel about someone. i dont know. i honestly...dont know. which is where we always ended up.
i think about him a lot.
but what does it mean?
i have no answers and im sure hes sick of the questions.
falling alseep with my ipod...almost like skin to skin.
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[15 Mar 2007|08:17pm] |
i cant stop crying.
i feel stupid.
this isnt how i want to deal with any of this.
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[14 Mar 2007|10:26pm] |
so dont talk to him, right?
its that easy.
just dont.
gahhhhh.
type type type
delete delete delete
adam, aquarium this weekend? ill call you tomorrow.
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[14 Mar 2007|09:50am] |
its been weird trying to sort this out. im not sure why im so hurt or bothered by it. at first it just hurt. the rejection stung and i felt unattractive and undesirable. but weighing that against the last few weeks, thats pretty much all i had been feeling when i thought about him or the situation we were in any way. as i started to pick it apart and really look at it, i realized it wasnt about him. at all. i wasnt upset about losing him because i never really had him. i care about him a great deal but his guards were never really down. and to be completely honest, im not sure mine were either.
i was enjoying the comfort and stability of being "involved". i didnt have to talk about it. i didnt explain it to anyone. i BARELY explained it to him. in my head, i was with b and no one else. and thats all i really wanted to feel. i didnt want to worry about other people or other possibly romantic situations. i had my job, my friends, my cat, my life...and then sometimes, i had him. he never affected my real life. he sat just outside of it waiting until i wanted him again, or he wanted me. and that was the BEST part, knowing that someone wanted me.
so then, why complication?
my new job gave me weekends off. i havent had weekends off in AGES. it suddenly became possible to explore this new interest and see what could actually become of it. he has sundays and mondays off. it would be nearly perfect. monday through friday would be my life, my job, my friends etc. saturday morning would be mine to do whatever i wanted. saturday night i could drive down and hang out, even stay sunday night if we felt like it. back to work on monday, which leaves him with a whole day off still to himself. that was exactly how i wanted it to go. 2 days a week of something a little extra. not an overbearing, every day interaction. just a casual, exclusive, emotionally involved, good sexin situation.
he said no.
so! that leaves me with this whole emotional tear down. i decided not to drink. no more escapism. i will not drink when im sad. it doesnt help. in fact, it usually makes it worse, especially if i have my cell phone near by.
so i spent a few days letting it sink in.
last night i went to tims and it all came out. beginning to end. the whole story. when i finally got to what i was upset about i realized that it had nothing to do with him.
ive always said i want to be with someone that i feel passionate about. i want to feel comfortable and safe, sure. but i want that to be balanced with emotional, intellectual and physical stimulation. i want to be pushed out of my comfort zone. i want to be torn down and put back together in a new light simply because i am with this person that i feel so much for. i want there to be a relationship of growth and progress and not just of stability and routine.
our insecurities are the foundation for relationships based solely on comfort and convenience.
my disappointment is in myself for allowing myself to settle. i want more. i crave more. i need more.
and i was foolish to think that was enough.
im reading barack obamas autobiography and in the beginning he writes about the phone call from his aunt informing him that his father has died. after he hangs up with her he sits down to consider what hes been told and describes it as "trying to measure my loss". i found this term really moving and appropriate to my life. i love reading things that make me see parallels in my life. i feel like im constantly trying to measure the intangible forces in my life. im constantly trying to weigh out concepts and how they interact with me on a regular basis.
and ya, right now...im trying to measure my loss.
i think i do miss b. but i miss myself much more.
im wondering what he misses. if anything.
eventually, ill write about my job. because i seriously fucking love it.
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[11 Mar 2007|10:55am] |
actually...
i love my new job.
positives.
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[06 Mar 2007|12:13am] |
apparently..
im pretty pissed off.
talk it out baby.
sound it out.
2 things surfaced today that i didnt really know were there.
both are left unresolved while i try to find sleep.
i want to say good night.
just "good night, baby. xo"
would be so comfortable.
ugh. ive wanted to cry for a few days. now i cant stop.
why is it so hard to talk to anyone these days?
im really hurting.
and i dont know how to express it.
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[05 Mar 2007|03:28pm] |
"i cant tell you anything
you dont already know
i keep on trying
i should just let it go
i keep on singing
and your eyes, they just roll
it sounds like someones song
from a long time ago"
it just started snowing.
a lot.
out of effing nowhere.
but the sun is still really bright.
i finally got my glasses back from chris's. its nice to see. its strange how i adapt with out them so that when i put them on its almost painful. "oh ya, thats what that looks like."
i start my new job tomorrow. nervous.
i dont even know what to wear.
i missed the explorer i wanted to watch about the aryan brotherhood. but "dinner" and drinks with adam was better. its on again next sunday, anyway.
my boss at the camera shop cracks me up. im glad ive become such a big part of this place. as much as ive pissed and moaned about it, its important to me. theyre important to me. itll be sad to be gone.
i dont really want to do anything tonight. maybe my aunt will paint my nails. id like to watch sister streetfighter. i watched shogun ninja last night...fucking awesome. i wish it wasnt dubbed though. i prefer subtitles but its so hard to find old kung fu with subtitles. the dubbing doesnt ruin it...but it feels less authentic.
...i have the original street fighters (I and II) in 3 versions. dubbed, original AND the second edition directors cut released for the US. thats right. im a fag. whatevs.
im finally getting into bruce lee. but i still like sonny chiba better.
the scene in the second street fighter when sonny knocks all of that guys teeth out in one punch...i cant help but laugh every stinking time.
ahh.
alright.
fin.
hey! it stopped snowing. awesome.
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[05 Mar 2007|11:57am] |
seadflo (11:55:28 AM): I just really believe your in love with sabotaging yourself.
yup.
the truth is out, folks.
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